1. Sleep for too long.
2. Throw sharp objects across the room—preferably at odd angles.
3. Pace in your psychiatrist’s office (he likes this).
4. Wander.
5. Always wander.
6. Drink in bars alone and give girls the Eye.
7. Season your conversations with just the right amount of self-deprecation—not too much will do the trick.
8. Avoid mirrors.
9. Listen to “How Soon Is Now” by The Smiths on repeat.
10. Wait for the third verse—you’ll be golden.
11. Flirt with the pretty, middle-aged waitress.
12. Observe conversations through glass windows.
13. Narrate the dialogue : The girl no longer finds him interesting.
14. Research “how to be interesting.”
15. Carve your name in anything that is wood.
16. Never write your last name; it’s sinister.
17. Shave pubic hair.
18. Masturbate.
19. Masturbate again.
20. Cook dinner for two.
21. Discard leftovers in the appropriate receptacle.
22. Drive downtown.
23. Ask stranger if you can “bum a smoke.”
24. Tell said stranger you have always wanted to say that.
25. Suddenly remember you have a body.
26. Worry that other people might forget this too.
27. Call everyone you know including your grandparents and remind them about their bodies.
28. Write a poem and call it, “How to hold the boy together with no hands.”
29. Scrap the first draft. Instead, write a movie script and call it, “They were wrong. Life is very long.”
30. Brainstorm which Hollywood actor will play you.
31. Write a letter to William H. Macy, and ask if he will do it.
32. Tell him that you have a lot of love to give, but sometimes, you also don’t know where to put things.
33. Pull up next to a cop car.
34. Tell the cops that you used to be scared of them.
35. Tell said cops you now think they are wonderful.
36. Smoke a cigarette.
37. Smoke two cigarettes.
38. Smoke one more cigarette.
39. Look up long-lost loves on FB.
40. Instant chat them, and confess your love.
41. Tell them to go fuck themselves.
42. Regret this.
43. In a gesture of forgiveness, send out an E-Card wishing them a merry Xmas.
44. Decide you will grow a beard.
45. Change your mind, because you remember she never liked facial hair.
46. Smoke a cigarette with the windows up.
47. Call your old highschool baseball coach, and tell him your body turned out just fine, thank you.
48. Write in all caps: Everything is urgent from this point on.
49. Make lists.
50. Do it all again tomorrow.
About Tyler Ziebarth
Tyler is a second-year MACP student who loves film, walking on treadmills, & talking about Kurt Vonnegut. Sometimes, he wishes he could speak French.
